totaled

I come from a small town about 45 minutes west of Atlanta. Carrollton is, for lack of better term, mundane. Everyone knows everyone, and quite frankly, it’s a rarity that anything interesting ever happens there. There’s a college, but it’s pretty small. There’s some stores too, but I’ve probably visited every single one at least 100 times. I was used to that. I was used to knowing everyone and knowing everything that was going on in that tiny town. I was comfortable, with the people, with the places, and with myself.

Then I moved to Auburn. I was surrounded by new people, new places, and oddly enough, new trends. You wouldn’t think much about this, but as an 18-year-old girl, brand new to a new and exciting town, I started paying way more attention to the people around me and what they were doing, and what they were wearing. Coming from my small town, I was a “private school kid.” It sounds awful, but that was me, and I was happy and content with it. I minded my own except for the people at my school and my friend group outside of it, I never paid much attention to what they were wearing, or what kind of family they came from, I just knew them and I knew what kind of person they were, and that was all that mattered. This mentality is all that I had ever known, and then I moved to Auburn. I started looking around more, I started looking more at the brands people were wearing and what kind of cars they were driving, and to be quite honest, I began to feel inferior. I felt like a small fish in a big sea who was just simply not good enough. People would walk into my life and walk out and for whatever reason, I continued to become more and more self-conscious about my social standing. As ridiculous as that sounds, that was me.

If you know me, you know there’s 3 things in the world that I am always willing to talk about: my loved ones, music, and jeeps. Specifically regarding the jeep that I drove, I was proud of it. It was my happy place, and quite frankly, the one thing that always seemed to be “right” about my life. There’s nothing like rolling down the windows of a jeep and playing something country, and you cannot convince me otherwise. It was my hobby. Oddly enough, driving that jeep around Auburn was probably the best conversation piece you could imagine. I was a 5’5” girl driving a jeep bigger than most, and it was intriguing. The number of friends and memories I made because of that car would probably astound you, and looking back, it was ridiculous.

August 22, 2018 was a normal day. I woke up and went to class that morning, hung out with my friends after class, played with my dog, and then went to dinner with some of my friends. Everything was normal, I was content. After dropping off one of the girls I ate with at home, I was headed to drop my friend Kylie off at home and then head home myself. It had been a good day, and I was ready to go home to my dog and go to sleep. Kylie and I rolled the windows down, put on some music and headed that way. About 2 minutes down the road it happened. While going through an intersection, a car failed to yield while attempting to turn left. I hit the brakes, tried to avoid them, and did everything else I had been taught to do. The car didn’t stop, and within 6 seconds, they hit me, I went over their car, and my jeep was flipped in an intersection. In about 6 seconds, I went from a normal drive home to dangling by my seatbelt above my friend that was just smiling and laughing and now had a look of sheer panic. After being pulled from the car, I stepped aside and saw what was once my biggest pride, my happy place, and my “right” in pieces on the ground. I cried, I screamed, and I began asking “Why me?” I had lost something that was seemingly such a big part of myself. The following days were harder than I ever thought possible. Everyone kept telling me how lucky and blessed I was to walk away from the accident, but why wasn’t that making me feel any better? The answer took some reflection, and a good bit of time (this is the first time I’m saying anything publicly about the accident), but I concluded this: I was valuing an object, and I was thinking as if that object somehow defined myself. Now before you start thinking I’m insane for this, I ask you to bear with me. I was the “girl with the white jeep,” my dad had surprised me with that Jeep after months of pushing for one, practically all of my high school memories had at least in part taken place in that car. It was sentimental, it was something in my life that I found pride and confidence in, and it was a part of me. As awful as that sounds, it was. But why? When and why had I invested real emotion in a tangible object?

I will never forget the hug from my mom when they arrived in Auburn after getting that call about the accident. I will never forget my dad saying, “The car is replaceable, you are not.” I will never forget the phone calls, the texts, and the visits of sweet friends that I am so blessed to have. In all of the madness, I began to realize something: my life was carrying on exactly as it had been when I had the Jeep. I still had the same friends, I still had the love and support of so many people, and I still had my confidence. I began to realize that my car was a prop, but that part of me had been there all along and still remained far after it was gone.

So here’s the point:

In college, we get so lost chasing brands, looks, trends, money, and anything to distract us that we truly lose touch of what’s important. We start looking at another person’s happiness and wondering why ours isn’t as “good.” We are stuck in comparing ourselves constantly to other people, that we forget to recognize the things that make each of us amazing. Our world has become so extremely materialistic that we don’t even know how to take the step back to realize it, but here is my challenge to you: ask yourself why. The next time you feel inferior to anyone, ask yourself why. The next time you find yourself investing emotion in an object, ask yourself why. The next time you doubt yourself or you feel your confidence drop, ask yourself why.  I promise you it will change your life and put a lot of things into perspective for you. I lost what was seemingly a huge part of my life, pride, and personality in a matter of 6 seconds, yet I stand, and quite frankly, I stand more confident now. Why? Because I am stronger. Because I am more able to understand and help people. Because I am better. You are bigger than the trials you are given, and you are more than an object, let’s do something about it. No matter what happens, you are never “totaled.” You are loved, you are important, and you are an imperfectly perfect human being.