how I know I’ve grown up

Recently, I’m pretty sure God has been testing all the work he’s done in my life over the past year. I’m not going to get on a soapbox about religion, that’s not what this blog is about; however, I do believe that all of the annoyingly awful things that have happened this year have forced me to grow up much more quickly than I ever imagined, and put a lot of my “problems” in perspective for me. I’m about to sound like I’m whining and complaining, but bear with me, there’s a point to the examples I’m about to give you.

In February, I watched a boy who I genuinely thought I was going to marry, walk out of my life.

In June, I sat in a doctor’s office with my parents as a doctor explained that I have an Autonomic Nervous System disorder that there is no cure for, and my life is going to be a constant struggle of managing symptoms.

In August, I sat on the side of the road beside what was left of my flipped car. Thanking God that I was walking away.

During each of these moments, it was always a question of “Why? Why is this happening?” And to be very honest with you, I didn’t feel much different at the time. I didn’t feel like I was on this romanticized journey to becoming a better person. I didn’t feel like these moments were affecting me as a human being. I felt shitty, quite frankly. I felt like the world had royally taken a bus, put the pedal all the way to the floor, and hit me with it.

Recently, I was put in a situation where someone who left my life during all of those hard times came back into my life, and questioned whether or not I was more mature and grown up than I had been in the past. Baffled by the fact that someone who chose not to be there during my struggle even had the audacity to approach me in such a way, I began to think about how I KNOW I’ve grown up, and after a lot of thinking, I realized I could probably write a blog about it, so here we are.

How I Know I’ve Grown Up

1. For my 20^th birthday, all I wanted was a nice vacuum.

I wish that was a joke, but in all seriousness:

1. Things don’t get to me like they used to. In the past year, I have literally flipped a car and been diagnosed with a serious disorder, both of those really put my “problems” in perspective. All of a sudden, the opinions of other people became almost irrelevant. I learned that all of these things like opinions, and arguments, and doubts from other people truly are just so irrelevant in the long run. I had a good friend explain this phenomenon to me as “Now you’re playing the long game.” Instead of focusing on one particular “season,” I was now looking at would affect the “score” of my life as a whole rather than just one meaningless game.
2. I’ve learned that it’s so perfectly okay to outgrow people. Remember that boy I mentioned a minute ago? To be very honest with you, I waited for a year on him. I gave up the opportunity to be with such amazing people, and I willingly gave up so much of my own happiness in order to hold on to something that was not right for me. Do I regret that? Absolutely not. A lot of times people ask me why I stayed, why I waited. And to tell you the truth, I think I thought that the feeling of “love” would never come for me again. How smallminded and disrespectful that thought was to myself; however, I don’t regret it because now I know that I am so capable of loving someone fully, and putting their happiness above my own, and I don’t regret learning that about myself. Recently, that same boy came back into my life, and it was so quickly apparent that there was a new social construct to our conversations. Our problems were now on different scales, our worries were now different, our goals and plans were now different. In a year’s time, we went from being more than compatible to two people who could barely carry on a conversation. It wasn’t because of a grudge, it wasn’t because of hard feelings, it was simply because we were now at different places in our lives. It is okay to outgrow people like clothes. Imagine shoving yourself into the same pants you wore when you were 10, its uncomfortable, unnecessary, and unflattering. I’ve learned to be okay with the fact that some people just aren’t going to stay onboard for the entire trip of your life, and that is good. Thank God for that actually.
3. I am not willing to give up my self-progress. In college, a social life is so important. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, friends are the only way that I have made it this far. A solid support system is not only important, but rather essential. Because this idea of a social group and being generally accepted by people becomes more important, it’s so easy to get so caught up in keeping people around that people (myself included) are willing to give up morals and/or maturity just to keep people in their lives. Over the past year, I’ve seen my group of friends decline, not because I did anything purposefully to “cut people off,” but rather I stopped putting up with instances/people that operated on a lower level of self-progress. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a knock on anyone, before the past year, I was probably one of the worst in both of those areas. I was that friend that was never okay with sitting still and staying at home. I was that person that just wanted as many friends as possible, no matter what that meant for myself. Recently, it’s become so apparent to me that I am no longer willing to give up the person that I’ve become in order to gain boys, friends, fun, etc. It’s hard to write about, because it’s so easy to sound selfish, but it’s the truth. I’ve worked extremely hard on myself, and part of growing up is learning that you don’t have to entertain things that hurt you or your progress.

All in all, I think I can answer the question of whether or not I have grown up pretty firmly. Not for anyone else, but for myself. It’s okay to do things for yourself sometimes, especially when it comes to growing and developing as a human being. It means you’re strong enough to stand alone, and be happy with yourself, which is the key to being not only happy with someone else, but also the key to a happy and successful life. I encourage everyone to create boundaries for themselves. That’s not saying don’t help others, please for the love of God do, but think about how much of your own self growth that you are willing to compromise in order to keep people around. Some people’s presence in your life may be enjoyable, but not at all helpful or healthy. Know your worth, pursue it, and respect yourself when making decisions. It has made all the difference in my life, and I wish the same for all of you. It’s worth the struggle, I promise.