a little explanation

So, if you’ve navigated your way here, you’re probably wondering why on earth my page is titled a grain of salt. The short answer is that I’m learning to take life’s challenges with “a grain of salt,” but the real answer is a little more involved.

Rewind to middle school. Everyone is figuring things out and trying their best to not be the weird kid. Everyone is awkward, everyone is a little ugly, and everyone is nervous. With all of these things in mind, I began to notice something about me was a little different: I was extra nervous. I was deathly afraid of any circumstance where I could get trapped. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I found myself having to sit in a desk near the door, and I would make myself sick worrying about riding buses or even riding in the car with someone else. Every little thing was a battle inside of my head. In social situations, I was absolutely terrified about what people were thinking of me, which after a while will drive you absolutely insane.

Fast-forward to high school, and the anxiety was ten times worse. I felt like I had to drive everywhere I went, even if it meant driving alone when all of my friends were riding together. I didn’t go on field trips, and sometimes even the idea of walking into school was sickening. In high school, I also played volleyball, both for the school and also for a travel team. Although I played almost every day of the week, I always noticed that I couldn’t keep up with my teammates and I was seemingly always out of shape even though I was in practice or in a season practically year-round. The anxiety was at times so bad that I would become physically sick and absolutely incapable of carrying on with my life (this included throwing up in a parking lot before prom, while wearing my dress, and my boyfriend at the time just held my hair and assured me everything was okay, yes that happened, talk about a horror story). One other issue that developed heavily in high school was irrational mood swings, almost to the point that I felt bipolar at times. The smallest of things could set me off, and I mean truly the smallest (like yelling at someone over them taking the long way home, seems crazy, I know, but there’s a point I swear!!!).

Fun fact: I moved to college 4 days after I graduated high school. Long story short, I think I felt like I would be able to escape the anxiety, but I learned very quickly it follows you everywhere you go. I was now completely alone, and a completely new place, with absolutely nothing to do besides overthink. As time progressed and life kind of kicked me to a curb (to put it nicely), I could feel my confidence, mental stability, and overall outlook on life just slipping out of my grasp. I know college is rough, but I knew I needed help. I began seeing a counselor, and to my surprise, was diagnosed with several disorders (GAD, ODC, and ADHD). At first, I was in shock, but also ecstatic that for the first time in my life, someone was actually listening to what I was saying and explaining that I wasn’t crazy and there was in fact something wrong with my brain. I kept going to a counselor and I was eventually referred to a local psychiatrist. I met with her a few times and while checking my vital signs, she began to notice a trend that my heart rate was very high for someone my age (resting around 106-110). You’d think I would’ve realized, but that had been my normal for as long as I could remember, so it didn’t seem bad to me.

After the doctor realized my pulse was so high, I was referred to a cardiologist for further testing. After seeing the doctor, wearing a heart monitor, and going through some tests, I was finally taken to do something called a tilt table test. In this test, they essentially strap you to a table and make you stand up for around 45 minutes. Sounds boring, right? I thought so too until I was on that table. At around 27 minutes, my blood pressure plummeted and I began losing consciousness and the nurses had to lower the table so I was lying flat again. After the nurse called my doctor and informed him of what had happened, I was sent straight to his office. To my absolute surprise the doctor walked in with a smile on his face and explained to me that they knew what was wrong with me and that I would like the answer. He explained that what I have is called “dysautonomia” which is essentially where the autonomic nervous system doesn’t function correctly, which causes my blood pressure to fluctuate almost constantly. He explained some ways I could regulate it at home, but he also explained that I would also be put on a medicine that is essentially a “salt pill.” Salt. I had to take salt.

Within a week, I was able to wake up in the mornings, my mood was not only steady, but also good almost constantly, and my anxiety was practically nonexistent. Because of salt. Which is where “a grain of salt” comes in.

Now here is the punchline of this whole post. Had I not paid attention to my mental health and taken it very seriously, I would have never seen a doctor, I would have never thought about my heart rate, and I definitely would not have gotten diagnosed. Throughout my life I was given so many (almost humorous) explanations for my anxiety which included but were not limited to “you just overthink way too much” or “it’s all in your head” or my personal favorite “you just don’t go to church enough and that’s why you’re nervous all the time.” I look back and laugh, because I know if I had listened to any of them, I would’ve continued to live in my own little version of hell. Mental health is so important y’all, and I don’t mean it in a de-stigmatize way, I mean it in a “your mind is what controls your whole body, so you better make sure that it’s working the way it’s supposed to” way. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re crazy, because they’re stupid, quite frankly. Love yourself and your mind and understand that it’s completely okay to not be okay. Find help, talk to someone, there’s even a contact me button on this website and feel free to talk to me. There is always a way to get better, there is always an answer, and there is always a purpose for you. If a grain of salt can give me my life back, anything is possible.

-CR