what I really mean

Here’s the thing:

 

Every time I’ve started to write for the past couple months, I’ve felt like a hypocrite.

 

I started to talk about knowing your worth, knowing damn well I’ve chased people harder than I ever should’ve.

 

I started to talk about loving others unconditionally, knowing damn well there’s still grudges that I’m holding.

 

I started to talk about being comfortable in your own skin, knowing damn well I have an appointment to talk about Botox next week (you can’t call me ridiculous, because I’m calling ~myself~ ridiculous for you).

 

If this blog isn’t honest, real, and raw, then what the hell is it?

 

Nothing.

 

A while ago, I asked my Instagram followers what they wanted me to write about, and to my surprise, a lot of people wanted me to talk about the ONE thing that I’m pretty closed off about, and that was none other than… relationships.

 

I don’t know why in the world anyone in their right mind would want to hear me, Carley Robinson, talk about relationships. If you don’t know me well, you might say that my dating history is.. for lack of better term.. unfortunate. Don’t take that as negativity or me looking for sympathy AT ALL, I have learned a lot and gotten to know some really awesome people, and for that I am beyond thankful. It’s taken me months to even think about how to write about this and how to address all there is to the world of dating. So, I guess we can start with a little background info:

 

My parents are still married, and happily live on a little farm on the outskirts of Carrollton, GA. My sister is 12 years older than me, married, with 3 wonderful kiddos. My 3 roommates are each in very serious, long term relationships. And me, well I have a dog named Thach and my hobbies include school, Thach, and deciding where to eat dinner.

 

I dated someone practically all the way through high school, and then dated/talked to a couple people throughout my freshman and sophomore years at Auburn, but I entered Junior year the most alone I’ve been in my entire life. I was single, moving in with people I didn’t really know, and made the (wise) decision to audit my friendships and “clear the bench” of anything that was deadweight in my life. I truly have never felt more alone than I did at the start of this past semester, and yes, I was sad. I’m not going to try to glorify it, or find a positive right now, but I’m going to be very honest. It absolutely blew. Being around people who had “their people” constantly was absolutely miserable and made me feel like a piece of shit who was pretty much willing to settle for any company I could find. This included boys who really sucked, friends who also really sucked, and a whole lot of time spent hanging around what ended up being the most toxic thing I’ve ever been a part of.

 

Somehow, being around this made me feel EVEN WORSE than being alone, which trust me, was a new, impressive low.

 

It took some reflection, getting royally screwed over (a couple of times), and some of my real friends essentially saying, “wake the hell up, you’re miserable and we don’t like who you’ve become” for me to realize that by desperately trying not to be alone, I had in fact made my situation all the much worse than it was originally. When I was coming to this (not so) glorious revelation, I realized a couple of things (take them as you will, use them if you want, won’t hurt my feelings either way):

 

1. This is one of the last times in my life that I won’t be committed to something within an inch of my life (husband, children, job, etc.).
2. Being alone is better than being surrounded by shitty people, because those shitty people will in turn make you shitty, and reverse a lot of the self-growth and confidence you’ve worked so hard to cultivate.
3. I have the ~literal~ rest of my life to be dedicated to the lives of other people, and what the hell am I going to do when I look back and realize that I never truly lived just for myself?
4. Settling for less than you deserve is literally the most disrespectful thing you can do to yourself, the people that raised you, your friends that care about you, the work you put into building your own life, etc. Settling is a lot like handing yourself a gun, shooting yourself in the foot, looking in the mirror and saying, “You deserve this.” Even when you know damn well that you don’t.

 

Another, painful and honest and raw and awful thing that I realized about myself is how many people I had kept along for this journey of trying not to be alone. I had kept people around far past when I should’ve, lied to myself and them about their place in my life, and honestly not given the answers to so many people that deserved them. I was in a state of denial and disassociation, just desperately looking for my own answers while keeping others from finding theirs.

 

And let me tell you something, when you are forced to take responsibility for that, it’s a really shitty feeling.

 

So, I guess I’m here to clarify my thoughts on relationships not only for anyone who reads, but also for myself.

 

If you know me/have talked to me in the last year or so, the words you’ve probably gotten from me were “I’m not looking for anything.”

 

And after a whole lot of reflecting and feeling like shit, I’m here to tell you that what I really meant was “I’m not looking for just anything.”

 

I saw a Roald Dahl quote one day that really stuck with me, and it’s something I try to live by in everything that I do, it says:

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.”

 

Lukewarm is no good.

 

The first thing that came to my mind was relationships. I’ve been around so many toxic situations where people that I know (sometimes myself) settle for things that are lukewarm, and end up no better than where they started. It made me realize that we get one chance, and yeah it’s corny, but you actually get one chance to make a life that is worth living, and if you mess that up, too bad. It’s harsh, but I needed to hear it. I needed to hear it to stop messing around in school, to stop maintaining friendships that were shallow, and to stop entertaining relationships (texts, snapchats, “hanging out”) with people that my care for was “lukewarm” (or vice versa). It wasn’t benefitting anything other than my ego (which is a social construct that doesn’t exist).

 

And now you’re going to think that once I hit this realization, I got out of bed, put my big girl pants on, and skipped out the front door to my new, happy, passionate af life.

 

Wrong.

 

However, I did get woken up a bit.

 

The truth is that I’m still getting used to being the only single person in my house. I still wonder why some things didn’t pan out how I wanted them to. I still get really lonely sometimes and this whole “journey to finding myself” isn’t always as glorious as I’d like to make it sound. I’d be a hypocrite if I told you I was good at any of the things I write about, because the truth is that I wouldn’t be writing about them if I was.

 

I’m learning that it’s a process, and sometimes it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But what we often forget is that sometimes, self-care is allowing yourself to feel those things. It’s allowing yourself to be angry, upset, and distant because it’s necessary to feel those things and they are more valid than we often realize.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am not looking for just anything and I’m no longer willing to settle, because if I am “lukewarm” for the rest of my life, what have I really accomplished?

 

Climb your mountain, run your race. Not for anyone else, just for yourself, and I think everything will turn out just fine in its own time.

 

I’m not good at it yet, but I’m trying, and learning, and growing, and that’s what it’s all about.